some days are just really horrible

sorry for the lack of updating.. i always think that im going to start writing regularly again but i can never bring myself to do it. im not sure why. i think it might have to do with how things arent going so great lately, and not writing about it is a way to not thinking about it.

yesterday was the worst day i've had in a long time. i try as hard as i can not to cry in front of anyone, because i've always seen it as a sign of weakness. which is stupid because most of the time you feel better when you cry, its just that i've always been someone who never shows her emotions to anyone, and crying shows emotions.

in fact the last time before yesterday that i cried in front of anyone was last december 27th (amazing how i still remember the date) when i got caught up in a big lie to my dad when i told him i was going to liz's house and was really going to a rock show with andy, liz and pat. i ended up having to call my dad and asking him to bail me out. and i really cried that time-- completely broke down on liz's shoulder in subway. that was pretty horrible.

another thing i was thinking about today was on my cell phone, i cant use the ringtone anymore that i had on that day because of the way i remember hearing it and knowing my dad was calling and that i was in deep shit. i cant even listen to the ringtone anymore without being brought back to that day. isnt that weird?

but anyway. yesterday in english my teacher mr. g put a couple of good narrative essays we've been writing over the last few days on the overhead. the point of the essay was to write about something which happened to you that you learned something from, and my friend liz wrote about catherine moving away in eight grade. it was a really good essay but it just brought back a lot of memories and when i saw lex after the period ended, she started crying.

"dont do this lex," i said, laughing at first. "your gonna make me start to cry."

and then i started too.

which was at the complete wrong time because we both had to walk all the way across the school to get to our other classes, and our hallways are crowded. so basically everyone in the school saw me and lex walking down the hallway in tears with our arms around each other, trying to stop.

we got to her chemistry classroom and i had to go in and get papertowels to wipe the rest of the tears away because i thought i could stop. jason was in there... he saw me crying. it bothers me sort of but he was kind of just like "oh god..." and didnt really ask if i was okay. i know im probably being overdramatic but friends are supposed to be there for each other.

so after i stopped crying for the most part, i had to walk to lunch. "why are your eyes all red?" megan asked me when she saw me. "were you crying?"

i almost started again but she got me to stop.

and the strangest part was that i didnt give a damn at all that all these people saw me crying. i didnt care at all. actually it felt kind of better than when i just lock everything up inside of me.

after getting to lunch though, things didnt get much better. my friend rudy has been helping me out with this guy i like because they talk a lot, so he came over to me and after asking me what was wrong with my eyes, he says, "i talked to dave yesterday."

then he proceeded to tell me pretty bad news. "well," he said, "i just had a normal conversation with him but i've been talking to his friends and they tell me he's pretty stuck up and full of himself, which is what i've been thinking too."

i asked him what he recomended i do, because i had already been upset and was in no condition to make decisions for myself. "it depends on the person because some people change when they go out with someone," he started. "but i think i'd recomended not to go out with him."

he walked away and i spent the rest of the period burying myself in homework so i could stop thinking.