Music filled her tiny, New York appartment as she passed MTV. She hadnt watched this in ages, and thought of how cliche she'd been as a teenager-- running home afterschool to watch TRL and dreaming of the day she'd be famous.

She watched the band whose music she heard playing live at the TRL studio. They arent half bad, she thought to herself. Music had always been a huge part of her life.

Her breath caught in her throat and her heart skipped a beat in shock as she caught a glimpse of the guitarists face. She got as close to the TV as possible and watched until she was sure it was who she thought it was.

She'd met him four years ealirer, just before her sixteenth birthday when her family took her on vacation to Florida. Staying in a high-class hotel in Palm Beach in the middle of the social season, she spent her days lounging near the overcrowded hotel or walking along the beach when she needed more privacy.

It was on one of these walks on her third day in Florida that she met him. He was sitting alone in the sand, blonde hair falling in his beautiful eyes as he leaned over his acoustic guitar. They began talking and, somehow, were soon kissing, her pale skin against his light tan, his blonde hair mixing with her black.

They started seeing each other as much as they could in the next week she was there. He was the only one who understood her rebellious nature toward her wealthy controlling parents, and she was the only one who could listen to him pluck at the stings of his guitar for hours and then tell him how amazing he was. They'd spend all thier time laying around in the sand or going dancing at one of the local nightclubs, him telling her how beautiful she looked.

It was him who she lost her virginity to, between expensive cotton sheets in his Palm Beach home. They fell asleep right after and it was the best nights sleep she had ever had. She woke up to him singing a melody he'd written for her, and she wished it would never end.

She'd cried long and hard into his neck on the day she had to leave. He held her steadily, never one to show any emotion at all. As short as it lasted, she firmly believed he was her first love. As her limo holding her and her family drove away, she turned back and thought she saw him wipe a stray tear from his cheek. She was never sure, though.

They swore they'd keep in touch and find each other again someday, but promises are easily broken when your young and ready for your life to begin.

oh and ive been getting used to hearing the words "if i tell you something you cant tell anyone..." because three people said that to me yesterday and then proceded to tell me the same exact thing, and each time i had to pretend i didnt know about it already. and then they'd say "i need advice, what should i do?" as if i dont have problems of my own i might want to deal with.

and now my friend pete just signed on saying "i really need someone to talk to" because everyone uses me as thier fucking psychologist, and then he proceeds to tell me about his strange dreams and then i analyze them and he tells me im right, which i already knew, and then i have to help him through it. i really dont mind helping my friends but i had the fact that when theres something wrong with me that i might want to talk to someone about, they all deem it as unimportant and they have to deal with thier own problems first, nevermind that i always put aside everything im doing to help my friends.

i didnt mean for this entry to turn into a rant but it did.

and today i get to hang out and supervise rudy and lex when they hang out because will cant go, and i have to fill will in on everything they do and i hope jason doesnt go because then it'll be me and him paired up and i so dont want that. kill me.

i guess jeff was starting to see how depressed i was getting about being there so late because he came over to me and wrapped his arms around me and started hugging me. i hugged him back, and he started rocking back and forth with me for a while. he knew it was my last day.

"jeff, i love you!" i said in a way he wouldnt take too seriously as he held his arms around me.

"i know, i love you too," he replied.

i think this is was the greatest moment of my life actually-- i'd been wanting something like that to happen forever and finally it did. i get happy when i think about it, lol. i didnt even care at the time that i was going out with anthony and i wanted another guy, i still feel no guilt at all. i dumped anthony last week, im not sure if i mentioned that yet.